


boom baby boom

by vaultbug



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Friendly Rivalry, gender neutral reader, prompt: disarming a bomb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-14 06:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20595878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaultbug/pseuds/vaultbug
Summary: When a bomb is parked in front of Sanctuary, you and Zer0 end up disarming it.Which is a recipe for disaster.





	boom baby boom

**Author's Note:**

> done for @Bluez_Art on twitter! at this rate all you nerds are going to make me single-handedly fill this tag and im. hollering.

"Hi," Scooter said when you opened the door. "Sanctuary’s about to blow."

You rolled your eyes. That had been clear enough in his comm -- or, well, that was the gist of what you understood. The actual sentence went something along the lines of "I ran it over with Sheila” and “now it’s stuck to the generator” and “almost crushed Lieutenant” but the mechanic had long passed the point of coherent sentences and you found it easier to sum up his rambling to _'bomb is_ _on Sanctuary’s doorstep_.' 

He seemed apologetic now. “Look,” he said and it was slurred. Great. Drunk, to top it off. “I’m sorry? But like, you’re the only pal I know around ‘ere that does them technobabble thingies and it’s, uh, big? And it’s right there parked next to the ol’ genny and I’m all about explosions, but I’m sure that when once it goes kaboom it’ll set the shield aflame -- which is not bad, but like, Sanctuary will be on fire and I know we’re the Crimson Raiders and like Lilith is the Firehawk, flames’ our thing amirite? But I’m not fireproof and I got a couple ladies I still want to invite to my garage and I can’t do that if it’s ash and there’s also Helios and --”

He was dangerously loud by this time and hurriedly you put a finger to his lips. It was too late; three pairs of eyes squinted wrathfully across the darkened bunker. “Shut up,” Axton grunted from his bunk, and you watched in resigned horror as the lumps in the dark started shifting. Here came the complaints. Numbero One coming right up… -

“Is that Scooter?” Maya sounded exhausted. “Did he crash a car, again?”

Gaige piped up. “Sounds like it.”

“Oh my god, _ shut up. _”

“If that is Scooter tell that man I will eat his entire esophagus to silence his babble,” Salvador spat from the farthest bunker.

“_ SAVE SOME PARTS FOR ME.” _

“Alright will y’all _ shut the hell _\--”

“Alright, let’s go outside,” you told Scooter and he hurriedly nodded as the bunker grew louder behind you. The door clicked shut behind you, silencing all complaints. Thank skag for that.

You turned back to Scooter. He was biting his lip by this time. “Listen, I -- I apologize for waking the lot of ya up, but like --” He made a half-hearted shrug. “It’s big, man. Real big. And I ain’t the type to disarm bombs, just drop ‘em! I’m not even going to add a zing here bro. It’s some serious shit. Like, it’s ‘you’re the only one who can do this’ serious shit.”

Which was a compliment. Vault Hunters are intimidating and you are _ not _, but if there was one thing behind you it was that you had a list of a million qualifications, and it just happened that infiltration went hand in hand with disarming bombs. Still, exhaustion flickered and in the corner of your mind Scooter’s track record of false alarms weighed like an overburdened Goliath. 

“Are you sure it’s a bomb?” You asked dryly. 

“Yes,” Scooter said. His face looked grim, for a second. “It’s really -- can you just come ‘n look? Please.”

Alright. You rubbed your eyes and gestured vaguely. “Lead the way.”

\---

Lieutenant Davis was standing at the corner of the generator next to the flaming wreckage of Scooter’s car when you finally made it out of Sanctuary. You had opted to walk -- well, run really, just to punish Scooter for waking you up at this time -- and as you jogged closer you noticed the man was clutching his side. “Bastard hit me with his car,” he said when he caught you looking. He thumbed back to Scooter.

Figures.

Scooter huffed to a stop behind you. “Davis-- yes, holy my lungs.” He paused, just enough to string a sentence or five together. “Ah, Davis you’re fine -- that’s good, definitely didn’t think I killed ya and was ready to hide the body, nothing like that at all --” 

He cut himself off. You wondered why -- _ Scooter? Silent? Meant apocalypse was going to happen -- _when you get a glance at the fellow behind Davis. The black assassin did not look up from the box he was prodding at with the tip of his sword. 

_ Ah, wonderful, _you thought.

The mechanic cleared his throat. “Oh, hey Zer0, you’re awake too.” He offered to the silent figure.

Zer0 said nothing to that, but a nod of the head. They stood and sheathed their sword. “The infiltrator / you brought a surprising choice / can they disarm it?”

You glanced around Zer0. The box was long, heavy. Definitely explosive if the canisters attached to it meant anything. Great. You were hoping it was one of Scooter’s false alarms. “That depends. You got coffee?” You quipped.

_ HA HA _, flickered their visor. Then they turned back to the wreckage. 

You opted to join them. Squatting down you started feeling along the edges of the box. It was smooth for a bomb and you narrow your choices down to Hyperion or Maliwan tech. Maybe Atlas, but they had been gone for so long. “Where did this come from?” You asked over your shoulder as you snagged something in your fingers. _ Aha _, came the thought triumphantly as it was revealed to be a latch.

“Good question,” Davis said. He sounded pained but the type of pained of ‘crushed ribs’ rather than ‘bleeding out.’ You knew it meant at least he could get away with not waking Zed at 4am and risking the good natured wrath of the man. (You knew that wrath. You had dislocated your shoulder once at 5am and the doc had just smiled with both canines and reset it without warning before heading back to sleep) The man staggered over and pointed to the horizon where the sun is barely peeking up. “Ol’ buzzard dropped it in right on the road. Then Scooter ran it over and -- well, it just.” He waved his hand to the box’s multiple clamps attached the core. 

"He exaggerates," Zer0 said helpfully as you blinked.

Alright. Well. That was a start. You plopped down and pulled out your tools. The bomb doesn't look fairly complicated to get into, but you have no idea what it's hauling. TNT probably if it was bandit. Death if it was anyone else. You considered calling Tina up for an assessment, then decided against it. Hell knew that girl would be on your ass if you disturbed the ladies' sleep. 

Your company took that as assent to leave. “Well, I’ll be taking Sheila back to the shop,” Scooter said and gestured around the flaming wreckage. “Uh, call me if you need anything? Or uh, if it’s going to blow. I suppose I’ll know if it does, haha.” He finger-gunned toward the back of your head and then left. Davis followed shortly after.

Zer0 was the only one who did not. Great. That's fine. Totally fine, if the sudden heat gathering around your ears said anything about it. It only increased as they knelt down and began to watch you unlatch and dig through wires. Hm. This was going to be a tricky disarming sequence. You bit your lip, and gritted your will. There has been harder stakes, you reminded yourself. None had involved an alien robot assassin...Vault Hunter, but there had been high stakes before. You had this in the bag.

Not that it made it any easier. Thirteen minutes into the intro sequence and Zer0 had not let up their staring. “Are you really keen on watching me finger this machine?” You finally asked, deadpanned. Hopefully they would get the hint.

They did not. “It is interesting.” Zer0 said back. A part of you can’t resist sneaking a glance at them, and you look just to get the entire wink emoji beamed into your eyes. _ Goddamn ass _, you thought amongst the embarrassment. “How long have you been doing this?”

“If I answered that I’d have to kill ya.” 

That was total bullshit and the both of you knew it. Still, Zer0 made a noise of assent. “I would like to see you try,” they said, and a tinge of sadistic longing lingered there.

(Great. Your ears burned again. You took that tidbit of audial and stored in far back for future existential crisis’.)

There was silence for a bit. You reattached a few more wires. The bomb chimed.

“Seven years,” you finally said.

You get the feeling Zer0 was staring at the back of your head. It did not help the case of burning ears. “Seven years,” you repeated again. “For your question.”

There was a pause. “A very long time,” Zer0 hummed. “Were you self-taught the practice / or merely skilled?”

“Eh, bit of both.” You strung the last few wires together. The box beeped and you sat back in victory. “Mostly on-job experience. Nothing is worse than a blow-and-go and your crew doesn’t know how to disarm their bomb when things go sideways. Lost a few crew that way.”

Zer0 tilted their head. “Surprising.”

“I know.” You shrugged your shoulders. “Crew can be idiots.”

“No, I meant the time-frame.” Zer0 waved a hand down at the bomb-box. “Seven years for this? It seems...easy.”

It took a while to click. When it did, you scoffed.

“You think you can do it as well as me?” Your embarrassment was forgotten in the surge of anger that rose in your chest. _ They’re fucking with you _, one part of you protested. The other was lost in wrath. “Bitch, please. I’d like to see you disarm a CODEx Hyperion on twenty seconds while seven Loader Bots swarm you.”

“I have skewered more / destroyed and vanquished many / my blade knows no end.”

“I could do the same if I just let the bomb go off.” You patted the box. “I’d like to see you try dismantling one of these babies. More danger than flirting with bullets.”

“Foolish.” Zer0 sounded smug. “Safe dangers. Easy to overcome.”

“As if you _ could --” _

The bomb interrupted your bickering. “Self-destruction: in ten minutes.” It beeped and you both looked back down at it.

Zer0 was the first to speak. They did not sound troubled, more amused. “Are you certain that / you are correct and certain? / you are failing, bad.”

“Shut up, this happens.” You knelt back down. The latch had popped open now to reveal another part of it. More wires were here. It looked like an easy disarm. “Yeah, see? Easy fix.”

“Everything with this is easy.”

The anger came back up. This time, however, it was mixed with a dawning mischief. You glanced at Zer0, then back at the explosive. 

Zer0 paused. They watched your eyes one more time before speaking. “I have regrets,” they said.

“Nope. None of that bullshit. Disarm it.” A part of you was aware that Sanctuary was definitely going to blow up if Zer0 tried to disarm the bomb but the other part wanted to see them squirm. You opted for letting them fidget for fifteen seconds. “Let’s see the master of decepticon fix the bomb. Do it.”

The assassin was quiet for a bit. One hand twitched towards the bomb, then flinched back. 

“Hm.” They said finally.

“Ha,” you enunciated with victory and waved them aside. Zer0 sent an >:( but moved over anyways. Quickly prying open the new latch, you rearranged the wires to a closed circuit. Boom. Like you thought, easy fix.

The bomb hummed. Then, with a click a screen came to life on the box. It beeped. “Whoopsie,” the box said. “Wrong password. Try again.”

“What,” you said. Okay. Maybe you attached the wrong wire? You latched the red with green. There. Perfect.

Nope. Another monitor pulled up. “Oh dear,” the bomb said. “Try again. You lose two minutes. Seven minutes until self-destruct. Please enter the correct password.”

“Are all your bombs typically like this,” Zer0 deadpanned from behind you.

“Don’t you start on me either.” You turned around to shoot them a glare; you receive another winky face as condolences for your efforts and now you want to strangle both them and the bomb. 

“Wrong password. You have lost twenty seconds. You are now at five minutes.”

“Ok,” you gritted out from between your teeth. “Whoever made this is going. To taste. Some lead.” You twisted another wire violently, enough to rip it out. The bomb buzzed and the timer went down by another twenty seconds. Goddammit. 

“Well now, _ someone’s _getting aggressive.” By now you were certain the bomb was Hyperion. Had to be. They were the only assholes you knew that would make their bombs this sarcastic. Two more monitors rose up from the box and now you were staring up at a mainframe of a hack, one that would probably take around five minutes to get into. Shit. You rushed up and began to type in codes. Zer0 stood up next to you and continued watching. 

The hack failed this time too. “Oh, whoopsie.” The bomb snorted -- you were about to take five grenades and blow it sky-high. “Try again. You have one minute. Good luck sweetie.”

“Oh, _ fuck off _.” You ripped open the side and began tearing out wires, caution be damned. The bomb hummed and buzzed, and flames erupted on its left side. Behind you you heard Zer0 take a step back.

“Are you certain --”

“No,” you swore and ripped the next panel out. Another five monitors came up. “Twenty seconds remaining,” it glitched, stuttering. “Twenty...nineteen.”

“Should I --”

“Shhh.” You dismantled the entire side. Still no sign of any deactivation chip or power conduct. Still no sign of explosives either. Hilarious. They must be all buried deep. 

“Ten, nine --”

Ok, maybe it was on the left? You took the drill and made a long, deep cut. It came through clean. 

“Eight, seven --”

“I --”

“Shh, I am. In the moment.” You held up one hand. Aha! Wait, shit no. You grumbled and punched the box. It had no effect.

“Four, three --”

Shit. There literally was no way to turn this bomb off. This was it. It was about to be a fiery explosion. For a final moment, you turned and made a gesture to Zer0 to get down. Like it would help at this close range. You both were going to die. You both were --

Zer0 grabbed you by the shoulder, wrestled you behind them, and stabbed the box.

(under them, you could feel their chest against you, one hand around your waist --)

You looked at them. They looked at you. The bomb clicked.

“I panicked,” they said after a pause. 

“No shit,” you retorted. 

The two of you awaited a fiery death.

(come on, any second now)

The bomb flickered once, then spat out static. “Explosive: neutralized. Congratulations on disarming your first dud, employee unknown! This is a --”

Zer0 yanked their sword out. The remainder of the message died into a static burp.

You stayed like that for a while, nestled against them. It was mainly because your legs were way too weak to support you after that bullshit. You thought about just passing out right here. You could. 

“A dud,” you said after a bit. Your voice sounded shell-shocked, empty and hollow to your ears. “It was a dud.”

“Well.” Zer0 comforted, eventually. “It was an easy fix, as you said.”

“Kill me,” you said into their shoulder, and when they began to chuckle you felt your ears burn red again. Yay. 


End file.
